Where to even start???
I guess I should follow Dr. Cotton's advice...and just write what comes to mind...so here goes. Boy and Bluebird are asleep, Daddy is painting, and the house is quiet, except for Noah snoring at my feet and what might be the sound of my phone buzzing in the kitchen. It feels nice. I sometimes miss the days when I had my own quiet place to myself...with incense burning (which is not allowed in the home of an asthmatic)...when I got up at 7am just because I wanted to, not because I had to...when I could write whatever I was feeling, without feeling guilty....because I love my life, I love my children, and I wouldn't change a thing... But I do feel that a part of me has been missing...I suppose my lack of time and energy over the past few years has let a side of me (the write in my "locked diary" side) go neglected. The side that wrote out her feelings and thoughts and dreams...and somehow writing it out kept things in check. I was given a journal before I left FL....and all that is written in it is the inscription from Melissa and Missy, reminding me not to lose myself. However, I suppose I have lost a part of myself...(which is probably why I am way too high strung these days)...so, maybe this blog will be the outlet I need. Never can tell. However, this is already much less interesting that C's blog which is full of color, pictures, sometimes music, and some inspiring tale that brings me to tears or laughter (yes, really, its a MUST read)...
So, should I talk about myself? I assume anyone taking the time to read this knows the basics anyway, right? Name: Lisa, married, two children, two dogs, and a cat. OK, now I am boring myself....
I can type about my day.... (
My day was pretty good, actually. As I type that sentence, I wonder how far I have come that I can tell a woman her cancer has recurred and still say I had "a good day". My job is hard. I love it, but it is a very hard and sad job at times. Telling the lady she had recurring cancer was not what brought me to tears, but listening as her sister told me that she lost both of her daughters and her husband. She said "you just have to trust the Lord and take the bad with the good".
Long pause. . .
I don't know what to say from here, really. I know she is right. I think about the two miscarriages I have had recently...two pregnancies, although brief, still small miracles. I think about how those small miracles make me almost desperate to have another life growing inside of me. Desperate to have that wonderful feeling back. The feeling of waiting for the next great thing. Another wrinkled little bow legged thing in my arms, to nurse and nurture until his/her legs are plump and then to have yet another dimpled bottom giggling in our home.
I know that I have two beautiful children, and I have been blessed over and beyond. But I still grieve the loss of our June baby, and then the loss of our August baby. A friend told me that there were just two more little souls waiting for me in heaven. I know this was meant to comfort, but it makes me sad, to think there are unborn babies waiting for me. It is easier for me to see them as cells, not completely developed, that just didn't "take"...
so there comes the great divide between science and divine...
I can't answer the question of whether or not my two lost pregnancies actually had a soul yet, and I am not about to attempt to. But I can say that when I saw the word "pregnant" on that little stick, a miracle happened. Daddy and I felt our hearts grow a little more, to make room for our next child. Whether he/she comes in 9 months or 3 years, there is a space waiting for them.
So, I guess you just keep going, step by step, one day at a time....just trust the Lord and take the bad with the good.
And my day WAS pretty good. Despite the sickness and fear that my patients face daily, they are so generous and thoughtful and they love to make us fat during the holidays. I had my first Homemade marshmallow!!! and my second and my third and so on...absolutely delicious. I then filled a cup with half coffee/cocoa and half marshmallow...and the marshmallows melted into a sticky creamy goodness that reminded me that sometimes, it really is the little things that make the difference.
I am glad that you are doing this. I have contemplated it. I do feel a sense of peace when I write. I just usually don't have the discipline to keep it up. And it is not about will anyone read it? for me. Just the opportunity to work out my thoughts and feelings on paper....or well a blog. I will be keeping up with you so stay with it.ReplyDelete
well, thanks Renee. I actually wonder if writing your feelings in a blog for all the world to see is actually healthy, because certainly, you are bound to hold back a bit with that reality. I think I have had this blog since 2007, and this is my first post...I guess we will see if I have the discipline to keep it up as well. Let me know if you get one started, as I enjoy hearing the stories of peoples lives.ReplyDelete
Wonderful. I'm weeping, but it was a wonderful read. Keep doing it.ReplyDelete