Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A Little Perspective
Do any of you just want a clean and simple life? I know I sure do. I look in the mirror and my thighs are bigger than I want them to be...I have more chins than I prefer and my hair is always a bit frizzy. There is a pile of clothes here. A pile of dishes there. A pile of toys here, and there..I mean...the piles. Just the word pile makes me cringe. Seriously, my house can be a bit like a land mine.
I just want it all clean. I want all my clothes to be an easy size 4. I want them ironed, color coordinated and ready to be worn. I want to be able to find a matching set of socks without screaming. I buy socks all the time. Where do they go? I want my shoes to be paired and accessible. I want a shiny sink, spotless floors, manicured hands and a balanced checkbook.
I do my evening run and I dream of my lawn looking like the ones I often pass. Green grass. The lines you can see mowed neatly in rows. No weeds.
Who are these people with their perfect lawns and spotless homes? Do they work or are they already retired? Do they have a gaggle of children? If they have children, do they all sit and do puzzles at night in their dressing gowns? Doesn't that sound sublime?
I can't seem to get my house clean without bitching at everyone in my path. Daddy tells me to get over it...as long as we keep on making children, my house won't be clean. He tells me to plan to wait at least 8 years, 10 if we are still planning that 4th child. He also reminds me that I have never had a perfect spotless little life....even BEFORE children and full time jobs.
He is right. Before Boy was born, he went and traded in his truck and got a Volvo. Yes, cringe, a Volvo. I was mortified. I am not a fancy Volvo kind of girl. Daddy got a great deal on a great car and he was just being practical. But I woke up and said "Daddy, I just had the worst dream." "I dreamed we lived in a sub division and all the houses looked the same and I was a soccer mom driving a Volvo wearing a tennis skirt".
Please don't take offense...because I have learned to love my Volvo. AND Soccer mom is now a proud title I wear on a badge (haha, don't fret, I haven't gone that mad yet).
So...where is this girl that didn't mind a cluttered closet and toothpaste in the sink? Where is the girl who didn't care which way the toilet paper was placed and how much milk was left in the carton before putting it back in the fridge? Where did she go?
She must still be in there because I still prefer thrift and consignment over the mall. I prefer unique and one of a kind finds that can't be replicated. I am thrilled to sand down things and repaint and refinish. ALTHOUGH...if I had money I would totally be shopping it up at Pottery Barn (that reminds me a bit of the episode about Rachel and Phoebe and PB shopping, haha). I compost (which I am finding is much more disgusting than I anticipated), and I jar my own broths and I recycle EVERYTHING, and my favorite flowers are and always have been dandelions.
So I feel as if I have come to some cross roads in my life and I am unsure how to join these two sides of myself. I am the bipolar housekeeper.
How can I have a weed free yard and still enjoy the beauty and comfort and whimsy of a dandelion?
How can I be the mother I want to be without teaching my kids to seek out these beauties and make wishes as they blow and watch the little star like fur flutter about?
I am desperately trying to find the balance here...the balance between organized feng shui and letting life just be?
I don't want to get lost in the chaos, but also don't want to get so caught up in the controlled details that I miss the living part of life.
...even as I still often dream of a neat and tidy life without weeds...I know that there is comfort and happiness in the madness of it all as well.
Somebody tell me to read this next time I am running like a mad woman trying to organize things (which will likely be tomorrow)...just tell me to sit down,kick my feet up and laugh with my children.