insanity, pure insanity.

Parenting is pure insanity.
It is 9am. I have already fed three children, watched Monsters, Inc. Done a load of laundry. Unloaded dishwasher. Bathed and dressed three children, and myself.
Husband has left to relax (which means he is off running 15 miles in 19 degree weather).

I type this as my three year old son is standing next to my rocking chair and yelling as loud as he can in his highest pitch.
Is he mad?
No, not at all.
He is just practicing his scream (I mentioned that we watched Monsters, Inc. this morning).
I have a wiggly bottom baby in my lap who has a fistful of my hair and desperately wants to slobber all over this keyboard.
Bluebird is doing all she can to get Boy to chase her...and he does, and now they are both screaming.
What am I doing?
I am rocking in my chair, trying to get some blogging done.
My cousin visited recently.....she said that while I was checking my email one morning she watched the insanity. I had one kid on my boob, another trying to put a hat on my head and another climbing on my back...and she said I never stopped typing.

Insanity!!!!
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OK....now I am standing at Bluebird's dresser, with Buttercup in a sling, and I am looking over her head to get some blogging done(she was getting restless in the chair).
Boy is wearing two Superman shirts, and Superman underwear (backwards so he can see the picture). He is playing with his Superman toy in Bluebird's dollhouse...
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There is now slobber running down my left hand and right thumb. I have already stopped three times during the course of writing this to wipe my keyboard, put a shoe on a teddy bear and fasten a cape.

This is my life. Insanity.

Boy is still practicing his screaming
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Yes, I just had to walk away again to get onto Boy and Bluebird for being unsafe. They are crazy climbing monkeys. Especially Bluebird, so nosy and into everything...there are no heights to which she can't climb.

I recently read "11 steps to take before you have kids" (I will attach below because it is hilarious)
...it compares toddlers to adult goats....and ya know....they have a point.

Try taking three adult goats with you to the grocery store...make sure they stay by your side, don't get in anyone's way and make sure they stay quiet and do not destroy anything...now, you can't use a leash because someone will surely think you are a bad parent if you do...and don't scold too loudly either, because someone is bound to judge you for that as well.
Just use your eyes to keep the goats beside you and quiet.

Now, for all you non-parents out there saying, "just spank their bottom"...well, try that with the goats and see how well it serves you. Now try yelling at them. OK, now put them in time out. Better yet, put them in their room and close the door (they won't get mad and destroy anything, promise).

I think I have mentioned in previous blogs about all the opinions I had BEFORE having children.

So, Daddy and I live with three adult goats.
It is Insanity. Pure Insanity.

Last night as I settled into bed I just burst into laughter at the happenings of our day. You have to laugh or you'd go insane....wait, I mean, laugh because you ARE insane!
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OUCH! Boy just ran into my ankle as he raced his Bat-mobile across the floors. He likes to get going really fast and then glide at the last part...He does this 100 times a day (looks fun, I'd do it too if I only weighed 36 lbs).

Bluebird just got way to quiet and I found her sitting on the bathroom counter eating cat food. Yes, my beautiful perfect Bluebird loves cat food and dog food...might not eat a dinner I slaved over, but loves pet food.
Maybe I should save time and money and just give her a bowl full of pet food for dinner.

No, I am not ever going to actually do that...don't worry. I am not that insane....yet.

Oh, and let me just add that the dog just came to me with water dripping from his mouth that I am pretty sure came from a bowl other than a pet bowl.
Dry the floor......................................................................
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Bluebird is now mad because I took away the cat food and just threw a binkie across the room (like I care?)I actually want to get rid of the binkies...but she always finds a new one and it is just another additional challenge in parenting..................

Boy just told me to put the baby down and hold him because he hurt his own ankle and needed a "hug-a-me and a kiss on the boo-boo". Now Bluebird and Buttercup are crying for Mama hugs as well. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Ok, just back from sitting on the floor in order to be able to answer all three cries for hugs.
How did I do this?
Two babies in the lap and one by my side, wrapped in my spare arm. Then I felt a wetness on my lap...yes, Bluebird tinkled in her Elmo panties. She is changed now.

...my jeans were not too wet and should dry quickly...

They are content again ...Boy and Bluebird are in the crib, marching to and fro...Buttercup is laughing at them.............................................................................
For a split second, everything gets quiet and all I can hear is the chiming of a`baby toy...-to the tune of Go to Sleep- bing bink bink, bink bink bink, bink bink bink bink bink bink bink bink. ...........................................................................................................................................................................
"AHHHHHHH" (just Boy practicing his scream), Bluebird thinks he is hilarious and screams in between fits of laughter.
..........................................................................................................................................................................it is quiet again...I find Bluebird sitting next to the toilet pooping in her clean Gabba Gabba panties (she is still working on this potty training thing, and since she is only two, we aren't rushing her----it is so much fun)
Insanity!

So, this is about 45 minutes of my morning....this will go on for another 10 hours or more until we get them to sleep tonight.

Insanity!

Have I showered today? No.
Is my house clean? No. (in fact it resembles a trailer park after a tornado)
Am I hungry? Yes.
Have I had my caffeine? No.
Do I have the faint smell of urine? Yes
Did I chase a naked little girl around the yard in 20 degree weather yesterday? Yes

Ahhh, the screams and the laughter....the noise....it is so absolutely wonderful. A smile spreads wide across my face...

yes, We are insane, Thank God!




As promised:

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids
by Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, 04 January 2011 at 10:24

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Wonder Pets, and the Wiggles. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.


Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!