Three posts in three days...I guess its safe to say there is alot on my mind.
In followup from yesterdays post, when I mentioned all the good in this world and how I truly believe there is more good than people like to recognize...my friend Jaclyn emailed me today and told me that they were planning the funeral for sweet Gianna and that they were concerned about the expense. The contractor who built the deck on their home, helped make arrangements and they have had the funeral, burial plot and everything else donated to them for free. All of this good will from complete strangers...who still help to bear the grief of their loss. I think this is beautiful. We too have felt so much kindness and goodwill sent our way, and always from the most unexpected sources.
It truly warms my heart in ways you cannot imagine.
Today has been an interesting day. We filled it with garage cleaning, packing up tools for our move. Yes, for anyone who didn't know, we will be moving in the summer, but we still do not know where, as Mickey is still in the interview process. This is a stressful time for him because of course, most colleges will be calling for formal interviews around the same time I will be in Philadelphia, which leaves three small children in need of care, or putting off the interviews which is not ideal either. I just keep hoping that our stent in Philly will be brief, due to having a healthy boy who can come home very quickly.
I truly believe that he is doing so well, and despite the unknown path we take, I feel confident that our miracle is waiting there. This does not mean I do not get discouraged at times. In the past few weeks, several mothers have lost their babies due to hydrops. Another died this morning and I just started getting scared. I am scared...simple as that. I know my journey is not changed by any of these losses, but I truly feel so heartbroken at the loss these mother's are experiencing and I don't want to go through that pain. Its hard to explain and I am not sure anyone who hasn't been through this type of experience can truly relate...I carry within me this beautiful litle boy who has a heart beating strong and long limbs kicking and I have loved him since I first saw those little lines that said POSITIVE....loved him more when I saw his beating heart and loved him more when they told us he was a boy and Oliver danced around the sonography room...my love only continues to grow and I see a future that includes him...
I am scared of losing that future. That life that I desire more than anything, a life that includes my four children in every scene. Mickey reminds me that there is no way to ensure that future includes any of our children, and that I can't do anything more than I am doing to protect it. I know this is true. The future is as unknown for our other kids as it is for Auguste. Everytime I have gotten pregnant I have had that brief wash of dread at the knowledge of loving yet another person with the kind of passion that one can't imagine breathing without them...and yet...that is parenting. I heard said once that parenting is learning to live with your heart walking around outside of your chest.
So ...My four little hearts with thier four little lives and my job as thier mother is to pray that God protects them and keeps them...and trust that He will.
That's a hard task for a control freak like me...and I guess that is why God continues to challenge me with it. I am up for the challenge...and just ask for prayers that I can get better at it, and keep learning to parent gracefully.
(of note, its ironic that my blog ended on that note, because one of the parenting books I have found to be most profound is Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmell, if you haven't read it, you should).