Mickey told me this weekend that this was the first time since he met me that I did not look on the brightside. He truly feels everything with Auguste is going to be ok, and he doesn't know why I suddenly look at all angles and see the negatives. I don't believe I am a "bright side of life" kind of girl, and was surprized he even thought that of me. It is possible he felt that ways because I pretend the bad stuff isn't happening and ignore it...but the truth is, I haven't faced many extremely dire situations on a personal level. I think that looking at the brightside of financial struggles, etc...is different than preparing yourself for the possibility of something like losing a child. I feel that I want to experience every little thing this pregnancy offers...good and bad...because I want to know I faced it head on with my head high and let myself learn and be changed by all of this...in the way only true love can do.
This weekend Baby Micah was born and he is having the expected struggle. I was very upset about it because I truly want him to do well. You develop bonds with the mothers and babies who are traveling this journey with you...and I truly feel his survival is a big step in my journey as well. He is imrpoving every day and I feel so happy and excited about another hydrops miracle happening. Read their story at:
Today we hit 28 weeks and I feel good! This week is the first week since Auguste was diagnosed that I felt excited about what our future holds. Certainly, I think a lot of this is the nesting that is settling in...but I feel great.
Our visit today went well. The doctor called things stable. His abdomen is measuring large, at about 32 weeks and 4 days, so more than 4 weeks ahead of schedule. However, his lungs looked good. In fact, I personally feel that they looked better than I have seen them. He still has bilateral pleural effusions, but as we observed both lungs, at least a small portion of each of them went all the way to the chest wall. I have never seen his lungs this expanded before.
They are still unconcerned about his abdomen, although this will certainly play into how he is delivered, as currently, his head and abdomen are the same circumference and we would not want to risk him getting stuck in birth canal...which would either mean C-section, or paracentesis (drawing off fluid from abdomen) right before delivery. More questions for CHOP.
They basically do not feel that the ascites will cause any distress at birth for Auguste. However, today, the doctor said "if this was one of your oncology patients, they would probably not be in any distress with pleural effusions this size". Yes, if they don't get better, he will still require chest tubes at birth, etc...but they truly looked better.
The doctor who has seen me on my last two visits, Dr. Dillinger, is also the first doctor who ever met us and told us about hydrops. Last week, I could tell he was surprized to have Auguste still so active and strong 8 weeks from diagnosis. Today, he truly seemed to feel confident we would get to delivery and even seemed relatively positive. I can't wait to get to CHOP and get their opinions and also create a birth plan.
I then went downstairs and got to do the lovely glucose tolerance test. I don't know the results yet, but I assume it will turn out fine. I got to meet with Dr. Twedt, who I adore. I had Emily with me, and basically Emily sat in DR. Twedt's lap and got loved on our entire visit. I told her how I was feeling confident and she was excited and confident with me. Shereiterated to me how HUGE 28 weeks was and how each week from this point is just that much closer to our miracle. I told her how before this pregnancy, I don't think I truly understood what a miracle each of these children truly are. I feel truly blessed and excited once again about the little boy that I truly believe we will be welcoming in home in a month or two.
I even registered, finally. I am still not sure about a shower. A few friends have asked about this and I am not sure I want to do anything like this BEFORE he is born, but perhaps that too will change as he continues to improve. But I felt registering, even if only for some silly little things, was a positive step in the right direction.
After our appointment, I dropped Emily off with Mickey and I stayed downtown for a work related meeting. I had a bit of time to kill and I walked into a store I have been wanting to visit called the Half Moon Outfitters. I walked around, browsing all the great clothes and shoes and flashlights and other fun stuff. I then asked if I could be led to the bathroom, because I am in THAT stage of pregnancy. The guy leading me there laughed and said he was an expectant father and he understood. As I was leaving the store (without any purchases) I said goodbye and thank you and he started talking to me and asked when I was due. I told him Feb. 19, but that it was likely he would be born sooner. He laughed and it turns out, his baby is also due on Feb.19. He asked about the baby and wanted to know what was going on and was sincerely interested in hydrops, etc. He was very sincere and it was great to meet someone who was also expecting a baby at the same time as us. It even made me feel like perhaps, things would continue to improve and maybe we would still get our February birthdate. You just never can tell...but the light at the end of the tunnel seems brighter to me.
I am still hoping to get to CHOP next week, but at this point, we do not have the extra funds for a ticket. I am confident that things will work out though as I should be getting a check by next week. There is also a dear friend of mine who is hosting a fundraiser this weekend...a "Kick-a-thon" that will be kickboxing and resistance training for 90 minutes with all proceeds going towards plane tickets and medical costs. I am excited about it because it may help us, but also it is a great way to get in shape and I want more people to know about CKO and a fun way to get themselves healthy. Its certainly how I plan to get back in shape after baby. Check them out: http://www.facebook.com/CKOGreenville
If I am cleared at CHOP, I do plan to retunr to work. I loved meeting with co-workers tonight. I have always loved my jobs and loved to work, and I truly feel like being back there, with my patients and co-workers will do me a lot of good, even if it is only for a few weeks.
On my way home tonight I was listening to Pandora and I wish I could just put a link to the play list that I got...those closest to me know that the crooning of Eddie Vedder relaxes me and truly makes me feel good...so tonight...I feel, well, even better.
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