26 weeks....7 weeks since our journey began. Probably 7 or more weeks to go. Today has been emotional. Its as if a flood gate was opened yesterday. I know that just being pregnant alone can lead to these emotions, but as I get my little baby center updates on "your baby today" I realize how easy this should be. I should just be planning his room and gearing up and buying clothing and making sure we clean the car seats and strollers and hand-me-downs. I should be focusing on getting a new breast pump (my last one hit the bucket last go around),
I shouldn't be planning all the things I am currently planning. Shunts, NICU, chest tubes, and even possibly the unthinkable, all the dark things I don't want to write down.
I am also planning what to do about my sweet dog Noah. This guy has been with me for so long, through it all...and he is suffering and I know he isn't going to get better. I knew this time was coming, but I didn't expect it til spring, maybe summer even...and certainly never imagined it would have to be made at a time like this. But then he does little things that make me think he's perking up a bit, and I put it off...again.
It seems all my current planning is really just sad and hard. So today, I cried a lot. I think sometimes crying is really what a person needs from time to time. Just cry and feel sorry for yourself and realize that life is full of trials and pain, and that even the painful things in life are beautiful because they mean you are living. Beauty through pain.
I had a friend approach me while at the school today, just to let me know she was thinking of me and praying for me, and to always remember that God loves Auguste. I couldn't say much, as this dear friend suffered the sudden loss of a child, and knows first hand the unimaginable pain that even I have never experienced. But I knew that if she could smile and encourage me, and keep moving forward every day, that surely I will be able to as well...and that these weeks and these losses and these worries will get easier.
What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise? These were the lyrics of a song I was sent today...and they've been on my mind quite a bit today.