Sunday, October 7, 2012
(this is a newspaper article with a photo of Mickey's mom's farm, and the geese flying overhead, her favorite time of year)
So much of this weekend has involved just going through the motions. Mickey and I went on a date, and we tried to talk about anything except what we could not get off our minds. We took the kids to the movies this afternoon, and tried to focus on the movie, and laughed appropriately, but wondered if it was possible to actually forget for a moment...because all I can really think of is the dread and fear inside me. The kids do adorable things and I smile at Mickey and my mind starts thinking of the laugh I might not hear.
I think this is depression. I know I need to pull myself out of it. All day long I have been blessed my the sweet little kicks and movements of our sweet Auguste and I know I need to be confident in my prayers and confident in my faith. But sometimes it is easier to say this and even think this, but harder to truly feel it.
This evening I learned that a high school friend, a lively, fun person who brought joy to everyone she met, I learned that she lost hope and is no longer with us. I know how many people loved her and that she hid her pain from all of those people, and when she needed them most, she didn't reach to them.
Mickey and I have been effected by this more times than anyone should, and it is awful because you wonder why they didn't trust you. If this or if that, so many what ifs and whys. So many questions.
I feel so blessed that I haven't hidden my pains, and have been surprised by the outpouring of love, even friends from 20 years ago, that have let me know that they are holding me up even when I feel like I barely capable of crawling.
I am amazed daily by the way God communicates to us through relationships. Through love. It sometimes feels as if it lets us down, and humanity is deeply flawed, but if you take a moment to truly open your eyes and look around, you will see so much beauty, and so many revelations of God.
The simple ones that cannot be denied. Blue skies, Mountains, Falling golden leaves and rebirth of green each year...and the more complicated beauty, the forgiveness of a friend, the embrace of someone you have missed, the unexpected email or card in the mail or text or voicemail.
If you feel lost, if you feel alone...reach out to these things...embrace them and know that no matter how dark it seems, there is light waiting for you.
I was sent this by text from my sweet Jenny a few days ago, and this seems an appropriate time to share:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, Repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on.
Meanwhile, the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting---
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.