Yesterday when I was driving to work I was praying and I just felt so small. God is so so great and vast and all the traffic around me was full of others praying for miracles...I read my devotion and it actually addressed just that. It said that although He is unimaginably vast, He chooses to dwell within us, permeating us with His presence. We should be awed by the power and glory of His spirit within us.
Today I feel weary. It really started yesterday afternoon when I was driving home from work and I felt completely exhausted as if I could close my eyes and fall asleep. Mickey thinks I am depressed and he may very well be right.
I felt lots of movement yesterday and have even felt movement today. I think maybe my weariness is due to the fact that I am beginning to feel so pregnant. I am small and therefore it is the time where I start limping due to the extra pressure in my hips, and my pants no longer fit. I need to go get maternity clothing. I actually gave all of my maternity clothing away two years ago after Emily. At the time we expected to wait three years or more before discussing another child. However, due to some circumstances with our work and our ages, last Valentine's Day I received a message from Mickey telling me that he was ready for our fourth child. How appropriate that Auguste was conceived and few months later and his due date is actually February 14!!!
But, back to maternity clothing, I need some. I need to buy new clothing and it terrifies me! I usually would be so excited to find a reason to go shopping, but my heart isn't in it.
I think this scares me because I wonder if my hesitation means my faith is not strong enough. Those dark places sneak up on me and I feel that maybe God will not grant me this miracle because He doesn't think I have enough faith. Maybe if I could pray more or get more people praying or find more time to weep on my knees, maybe then things will turn out better.
The worries of two weeks ago seem so insignificant. Politics. Bills. Student loans. Houses. Where we will live. I think I just realized that so many things that mattered then are so ridiculous. That it really doesn't matter who gets voted in because the truth is, I can't imagine the world changing dramatically in 4 years and all I want to do is be planning Auguste's 4th birthday party. I don't care if we don't have the perfect house in the perfect location, I just want my four healthy children.
My sweet sister told me that she told God to scrap all she was praying for a few weeks ago, and just give her the opportunity to run her fingers through Auguste's hair and hear him laughing with all of his cousins.
Basically today I was just full of feelings of being small and helpless. I would go to the bathroom and sob for a bit, pull it together, see a few patients, and so forth. I cried the whole way home.
I saw a post on a hydrops group from facebook. It was a father who was wondering about the shunts, as his daughter was just diagnosed with hydrops at 18 weeks. He clearly had seen the survivors that had shunts, and had been researching just as we have been doing and he sounded as desperate as I feel. I responded with what we have done and hope to hear from him if he learns something I don't know, and I pray his baby AND my baby will survive.
But it left me feeling insignificant. I realized that heaven is flooded with desperate pleas right now. And that the more children diagnosed, the odds of us being in the 10% go down...maybe. I don't know. Its all ridiculous and I just feel utterly helpless.
I feel like there is nothing I can really do to change the outcome.
It has been a down day, but I feel so blessed that we have such a wonderful network of people who love us! I know that so many people are praying and believing with us for his miracle.
Today I had two friends, Jenny and Jean send me messages about breathing and being present in this moment and to look around and see all the good and be at peace.
One of our doctors, Dr. Kathy Christman, who is perhaps the most sincere person on the planet, gave me a book called Guerrillas of Grace, Prayers for the Battle, by Ted Loder. It's a beautiful book of poetic prayers.
I also came home to a sweet package from a friend, Laci, with lots of feel good things like a journal and bath salts and chocolate.The journal says on the cover "She woke up and realized she had forgotten the definition of the word 'impossible'. She decided it must not have been important". There was also a sweet soft, blue bunny for Auguste. His first gift. Thank you Laci.
My dear friend April sent me photos of the fabric she started piecing together for his quilt. It was everything we talked about a few weeks ago before all this started. I can't tell you how much it means to me that she has enough faith to start making the quilt despite what we have learned. She says she has no worries and she can't wait to meet him because she loves him already.
So, on the way home, I listened to a beautiful song "On My Knees" by Jaci Velasquez and I cried and cried and cried. I cried because I am small and helpless. I cried because I love Auguste so much. I cried because I am ashamed of the many times I forgot what is truly important. I cried because I know God is with me.
Then I dried my tears, and I went to the store and bought a funny birthday card for my best friend, and I bought a fistful of rainbow colored nail polish.
When I delivered Oliver, I painted my toes the color of a rainbow because that felt good to me. Two years ago, on Oct. 8, a dear friend didn't get to paint rainbow toes with her daughter as planned, due to a tragic car accident. www.rachelsuzking.blogspot.com
After my visit to the store, I came home and did pedicures for me and my sweet Eliot and Emily with lots of colors of red and purple and blue and yellow and green and orange. We did it to honor sweet Makiah. We did it do feel good together. And right now I do feel a bit better.
And I truly think God is bigger than all of these worries. He knows my heart. He knows I want Auguste alive and healthy. He knows the outcome and how my prayers will be answered. And He is not unlimited in His miracles, and He can save these babies. My Auguste and the other babies too.
I truthfully don't know if He will and I don't understand why. Because there is this big tapestry of life and God sees the beauty of it and I can only see bits and pieces and the knots and twists. It reminds me of when I was living in Brussels. Every few years in the Grand Place they do a beautiful floral carpet. It is all flowers and up close it is amazing and you see lots of flowers, but you really have to get up very high to see the entire picture. I think that is a lot like life, right? We just are too close to see the big picture.
I hope the big picture includes us planning birthday parties and soccer games and play dates with Auguste. I have faith it will...as I still feel his sweet kicks.
Please don't forget to pray with us tonight.