Monday, October 15, 2012

One day at a time

Tomorrow is my last day at work for a little while. This was a hard decision, but felt like the right one considering we have not known what we are doing from day to day for the past 3 weeks. I am very close to many of my patients and it was all so sudden, I know its the right thing right now, but have a hard time thinking of not having a chance to explain to my sweet patients, my friends, why I am not there and for a few, why I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
We are going back to Philadelphia tomorrow night. My step-Dad is coming in to watch the kids, and then next week he will take them back to Florida for a short vacation until we can return. This is stressful because we could potentially be away from them for nearly 2 weeks, and we have never been apart for that long. I feel so sad, because I will miss them so much. We are taking Emily with us, because she is too young to understand, but we are trying to keep the older kids life as normal as possible, under the circumstances.
I cry a lot and the kids sometimes see me. Yesterday Eliot actually started crying with me, which was heartbreaking. Then later that day she saw me crying again and told Oliver "Mommy is crying, again"...Oliver said "Mommy, you are crying a second time". I try to explain that I am Ok, and that sometimes Mommy's cry when they are worried".
I keep getting messages and it seems the one constant thing people comment on is my faith. Apparently it is inspiring. I am glad for this, but it feels like a big facade. I don't feel faithful. I don't feel positive. I don't feel hopeful. I just feel this big empty sadness inside. Yesterday and today I took the kids on a walk, and we picked flowers and I was in awe by their beauty. I put the flowers they gave me in my hair, and I received their big hugs and kisses. It was perfect and yet, through it all, I still felt so sad. I haven't even lost Auguste and I feel this sadness. I imagine it will recover when he recovers, but if by chance he doesn't recover, I know this sadness will remain, forever, I guess. 
I think I really and truly feel he will be one of the survivors and that everything will be ok...but then I read the very large number of things from mourning parents, and I realize that no matter how hard I try, I cannot ever truly prepare myself for the possibility of losing him. Not now, not later. 
Today they were finding heart tones, and it took her a second. His heart rate is perfect, but that brief moment had tears spilling down my cheeks. I can't stand the thought of it. I can't bear it. 
I keep telling myself that I need to focus on the next 10 weeks, and then we will be coming on delivery and a new set of challenges...but that when Auguste is celebrating his 4th birthday, that this 10 weeks will seem but a blip in the grand scheme of life. We can only do things one day at a time, and although every day may feel heavy and tired, I need to hold out hope that the days will keep coming and the weeks will keep passing. 

'Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.- Ephesians 3:20

"For everyone who asks and keeps on asking receives; and he who seeks and keeps on seeking finds;and to him who knocks and keeps on knocking, the door shall be opened." -Luke 11:10

I truly do believe these verses. I truly do believe the word of God. I believe He can do these things! 

I think I need to find a way to turn to God when the dark places and deep sadness makes itself known, and allow myself to be comforted by the warm blanket that is God. It is definitely easier to say than to actually do. But I am trying, constantly, struggling, constantly...

On other notes: we found out today that Greenville does not have ECMO (refer to previous thread) but this means the NICU here will probably not have the right capabilities for Auguste after he is born, and therefore, we will need to plan something elsewhere, which will present a whole new set of problems and hurts me to think about being away from some of my kids in order to be with another....and I know we will cross those bridges when they arise, but we definitely have a lot of balls in the air, both financial, physical, and emotional, and we just need prayer that we can keep them all from crashing down on us. 

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